Note: this does not seem like polyamory to me. Polyamory is about loving several people at once. Not switching the lion’s share of your romantic/sexual love feelings from one person to another, without bothering to break up properly with the first person….that’s called “overlapping serial monogamy.”
I know that it really hurts to think about leaving her, but you must include this in your list of options. You are an adult human being and you are ultimately responsible for taking care of yourself. Part of taking care of yourself means being willing to identify and get out of situations that are damaging to you.
It is possible to love someone and still admit that the kind of relationship you want with zir is not possible.
I know how it feels to think that you could never find anyone else and never get over it. But that is very unlikely. If you use the appropriate resources, you will be able to get over breaking up with her.
I’m not telling you to break up with her. I’m telling you to believe, at least in some tiny portion of your mind, that you can, and that you will be OK if that happens. Because without that, you have no negotiating position for improving the relationship.
A veto doesn’t dictate feelings. It dictates actions. And you can
veto actions without vetoing the whole relationship. If you said “hold,”
it could mean “Please don’t carry on this romantic relationship right now.
Please don’t do certain things with this person, please avoid seeing him
so often, at least until our relationship is back on track.”
I understand how hard it is to ask for something in a relationship, especially something your partner would be reluctant to give. But in a relationship, you *do* have an ethical right to ask for what you want and need. Otherwise, it’s not a relationship, it’s slavery.
To me, breaking up with someone because they used a veto that you gave
them is not ethical. One doesn’t *have* to give one’s partner a veto. But
if one does, then one should honor the veto if it is used for a good
reason. (And the destruction of your relationship sounds like a good
It’s worthwhile to develop a friendship with your partner’s other partner.
One thing I like about poly is when I know my partner’s partners and believe
that I could appeal to them if I had a problem with how the poly stuff was
Another option is to ask strongly that your SO go to relationship
counseling with you, with a poly-friendly counselor. It seems that there
are problems that would be difficult to solve within the relationship,
because they involve communication and relationship dynamics. A neutral
third party can help.
If she is committed to this as a *poly* relationship, not just overlapping
serial monogamy, then I think she would be willing to work on the
relationship with you and not just let it fade away. If she’s not committed
to it, then as much as it hurts, you are better off in the long run without