I can understand A’s *feeling* — she’s essentially saying she wishes this
part of you (the part that falls in love with others) didn’t exist. But
this part of you does exist, and therefore I think it’s important to talk
about it, even if she doesn’t like it.
However, there are good and bad ways of talking about it. Good ways involve
exploration and revelation but don’t involve pressure for something to be
*done right now.* Bad ways involve pressure and judgement.
I recommend GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT by Harville Hendrix. Not poly
oriented, but good on the issue of getting couples un-polarized.
You cannot stop your feelings. They exist. You love M.
However, you *can* control your actions. You do not have to cheat on A.
Even in ways you consider little, like “kissing and panting.”
If you want A eventually to accept polyamory (no guarantees), then I think
cheating on A, even in little ways, is a bad idea. I’ve seen over and over
again that an effective way to move toward polyamory in a relationship is
to show your partner that you can control your actions — to be honorable
— to give zir some control over this part of your relationship (because
polyamory *does* change your relationship with zir).
At the same time, without pressuring for a solution, continue to let zir
know how you feel. Don’t let zir sweep it entirely under the rug for a
The other aspect is that you need to know how *zie* feels. You need to
hear — *really hear* — zir beliefs and thoughts and feelings and fears.
Not just let zir talk, but really hear and try with all your heart to
This can take many months. It’s not a quick fix that will let you fuck your
new sweetie next week. But it might open up your relationship to new
possibilities down the road. It can bring you a lot closer together. Good